I honestly don’t know what it is. I’ve seen her a handful of times and I’ve made the mistake to not make a move. I’m scared to and I’m never scared to roll the dice and see what happens but it just so happens to be that this girl really makes it difficult to attemt to make it more. She’s amazing. Beautiful woman with a free spirit and a fantastic outlook on life with a whatever happens happens attitude. It’s mind boggling to me that I haven’t at least made it known that I want to have a real thing with her. She’s everything I close my eyes and imagine. Everything I could ever want not saying that I deserve her. She’s everything and I often feel like a nothing. Not as weak as I once was but certainly could use some work on myself. I fall too easy and love to hard. Smart and has this thing where she’s crazy cute and sexy all at the same time. I know. Scary and seeming all I strive for in a woman initially. It takes time to get to know what someone’s heart looks like but I always give someone the chance they’re giving me. Hopefully if I keep writing and thinking I’ll eventually think of a good way to break the news I have the hots for her if she doesn’t already know. 

Don’t be a negative cunt

The funny thing with desperation is you’ll say or do anything to not have to look belittled. Being humble and accepting flaws is hard to do. I’m not the smartest person and I don’t have the best job in the world but I do love myself the way I know I can become. I’m not there but I’m able to become a great person who cares for his family and friends and loves each and everyday a little bit more as the days go by. I get belittled quite frankly all the time because honestly I have made a ton of mistakes and I accept them and try to carry on with my life. It’s the family. The family gets to me with the negative words.  The constant lowering me.  The people I love that I’d do anything for belittle me to make themselves feel superior to me because they themselves are cheap conniving and not that it matters get absolutely no ass. I say this because I’m flustered and and desperate for an answer as to why they do these things. I’m not an extreamly smart guy but I’m smart enough to listen to my elders and not make the same mistakes.  I see him obese wreaking of cigarettes and coffee no hope to get any sort of woman that isn’t damaged and going to die soon of lung cancer. That’s not very nice to say but it’s true. At least I can say is I have my health and a great smile. I look at myself in the mirror in the morning and feel good. I may be completely broken down inside but I do look acceptable. I’ve always had a thing with woman that I see a ton of guys don’t have, I’m not scared of them. I could care less how hot they are until I can actually have an intellectual conversation wit them. Hear about they’re ups downs and all around beauty. It’s awesome to be able to wake up run a few miles and know that whether she’s a super model or not there is a chance for me because I have the balls to strike a conversation with her and ask her why she’s so beautiful in every light.  

I’m going to dinner with him now and 12 other family members. On the ride over I’ll be calm cool and content with whatever happens. All smiles because ofcourse I’m protected by a smile and no so much with a frown.  Frown shows weakness. Chin up and smile. Accept all fear non especially him. As much as it kills me inside to feel poorly towards him sometimes he needs it. And I need it for most. He’s a fucking truck driver. I’ve never heard of a truck driver being a happy go lucky panty peeling kind of guy. Usually a jack ass fat dude. So he kinda fits the bill in that area not to sound crude. Bottom line life’s to fucking short to give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of you. Your who you are if they can’t accept it you don’t need that negativity in your life anyway, your better than that. Respect everyone until they don’t deserve to be respected. Don’t take anyone’s shit.  And don’t take yourself for granted 

Each and everyday I see myself getting older, wiser and sadder all in one. I feel I’m wasting my time and life on a boat with no time for woman or myself. I work a 19 hour day everyday 5 days a week. That felt like shit writing down. But the sad truth is that’s the reality. I have 5 hours for family. 5 hours for friends and meeting new woman. 5 hours of attempting to go to the gym and making myself sane. I used I have all this time and energy as I did years ago but I suppose that’s what happens with old age and more responsibilities. My dearest mother is still in shambles. She’s been trying to get her head right but these meds are seeming to make things worse. I worry for her. I wish I could take her hurt and anxiety and take it upon myself instead. I just miss my old mom. The one that would ask “why are you calling” instead of “thanks for calling”. These long hours and work make it easier and more sustainable for that bad to fade away. 

I feel God and Satan are colluding against me and my attempts to help my family. It’s becoming an economical nightmare. I have to drive 4 hours to work with a busted car and little money. I’m so thankful for the people I have that are there to talk and help me. It’s making this transition of negative things better and easier to cope with. 

She’s so beautiful. 4 boys and a husband until recently I thought he was just the negative Jerry springer watching guy that raised me. Not intentionally but phycologically as a young child I took some of the negative racist things to heart and growing up into my later teens I had a honest hatred for a anyone that wasn’t just like me. I always loved to talk to people but that only goes so far you need books and smarts to make it anywhere it seems. You need a degree. I don’t have a degree and don’t want one either.  It’s a broken system that puts my loved ones into drastic unbearable debt. It’s like taking a loan out for a 250k hours out of highschool. Just to go to school take bullshit classes and black out 4 times a week on the money you saved all summer. 

Where the fuck am I 

God took another soul Friday my whome most disliked. I was raised and brought up to respect everyone no matter what the situation but this seemed wrong to frown and pretend to care. I didn’t. My father is a strong willed man with all good intentions in life even if they don’t seem to play out the way he intended. In me he showed me the promise land and I laughed at it, fucked off and laughed again. I pretended to not care but I did I was deeply depressed I couldn’t preform to the standard he set. I didn’t have the willpower or smarts to carry on the way my brothers before me have. Constantly rocking on a boat it all feels the same day and night each boat feels the same and my future seems dark and stormy. Like the drink I’m funneling down my throat on my work break. I don’t see myself as the smart person my brothers see themselves I’m seeing this loser in the mirror that’s a waste of breath. I’m in the wrong field. I love people but am not very strong when it comes to my loved ones feeling blue. My amazing mother of 4 boys witnessed this man croak in the arms of 2 of her boys( myself being one of them). It was sad and tough to watch for her. I could tell this was really destroying her inside to see this horrible tradgidy for some. I’ve never really had a cut throat attitude before as I do for him. It’s different and I dislike it. I’m sure to some he was an incredible guy with tons of wisdom to me he was my dads father. I’ve only heard of the stories of torture. It’s funny how loyalty works that way even though I have my negative thoughts of my dad at times he’s really a good man and raised 3 great young boys and there is me. I’m usually not this self absorbed….openly.  I found myself looking in my brothers eyes and knowing that this is not good. My mother so brittle and fair I’ve never seen he like this. It brought a tear to my eye. Now she’s mentally distraught all of what she knew is now missing. I haven’t seen her smile or even laugh in weeks. She needs me.  But I’m here 312 miles away working like a moron 18 hours a day getting shit money. I used to be this happy go lunch. I care in the work guy now I’m a manwhore with no thought of any woman’s feelings in mind I just care for my dear mother. It’s meaningless and they think it’s forever. I want them gone and they want to snuggle. I sneak out the hotel room and go home to my mother. The usual remedy isn’t soothing the mental pain. 

Speed kills

i’m working i’m learning i’m hunting and yearning for my future to rekindle my spirits i had as a child at the ball park getting a bag of candy. searched the “big city” for it and i feel it could be a place i could certainly end up falling for. works great guys are great people and advice are beautiful and happily accepted. no advice is bad advice you just must have the same desire for the feeling as James Doty in into the magic shop. lived his whole life attacking and searching for this goal of a million dollars crushing that goal in multiples and losing it all. lessons are learned one way or another. easy way or hard way, either way it will teach you all it has to offer and bring those desires to reality. nothing good comes easy and not all things must be perfect for them to feel perfect. looks money objects all don’t mean a damn thing in the end. we all end up in a box 6 feet under its the emotion and uncanny happiness you bring to peoples spirits that will allow you to live forever.  money is fantastic and yea it sure can make me happy but it doesn’t give you any extra treatment in the end. material things and jerkish people bringing people down is solely whats wrong with this country. everyone is equal i don’t give a f*** if you are a millionaire or a “colored” person. not everyone grows up to want to be the most powerful and attention getter. the reality is everyone is damaged and some let it control your life. being a hard worker is easy, being a smart worker is hard.  not everyone is fit to control a workplace, their are pons and there are kings. i wake up and want to be a king. i was never given any extra treatment so ill push and wean my way into the feel good freedom i strive for. my ideal work environment is, like James, to help people. i have to face reality. im not going to be and don’t want to be a neurosurgeon. its just not in my thoughts. i look in the mirror and see a smile. thats the smile i’ve been blessed to have that i strive to create on whoevers face is beside me. is that too much to ask?

Let go and let the flow grow 

I meet a woman and fall in love I think. I don’t know what love is. She’s perfect and I can’t see myself doing anything but looking into her eyes and never letting go. Till I wake up and realize I’m not as emotionally available as I was the drunken day we met. She’s still this work of art I got to feel and experience.  She’s still all the things a man could want. Don’t change a thing. Woman are a creature I’ll never not love undeniably… They break me and make me. The day gets better as I meet a girl. The day gets better as I feel the thrill of a speeding heart on my face. It’s a scary and horrid feeling, knowing you have her life in your hands and her future smiles in your heart trying to make her smile constant. I’m not even a real person. 21 and dying to have the days I’ll never look back upon and regret. I love and I’m trying to live. It’s becoming this urgent stoppage starting with this feeling I have for that one brunette with that smile I see when I close my eyes. I might have given you those stupid pickup lines and said the right things to wean myself into your heart and pants but i feel for you. Believe it or not I feel for part of you. Worst part of caring is the morning after…. Having to look her in the eyes make her breakfast and still tell her all the things your trying to remember you told the night before.  I’m a guy that loves relationships with a woman just like her. Perfect. The imperfections and the perfect little dot that I’ll never forget. I’ll run. Run till I try and find myself. 

There’s so many beautiful people but so many others that are the negative cancer that creates fire within them. Everyone has issues. Everyone knows someone they lost and someone who has passed. It’s life and it’s not fair. You love learn and try to get passed without crumbling like moms cookies. It’s hard to talk about a friend dying but even harder to talk about love of someone. You fall for a hot mess making your heart beat out of your chest. Bringing a shake to you and everyone around you. Your influenced and want to change into the person/persons who you look up to. The confident people person everyone loves. When it all seems to going together there’s going to that person that’ll kick this life of a puzzle and throw you in the water with your shoes on. I’m not a good writer nor do I care. I do it for me and it makes me feel entitled to the opinions I’m scared to give peopled face to face. I want the satisfaction of everyone to love me as much as I feel I should be loved. Care so much for everyone but minimal for myself. I feel like an old soul in a new age of poor soul souled men. There’s no holding a door for a woman on a date these days. It’s weird to open a car door for a girl just because you don’t want to stop looking at her. She’s beautiful. The perfect imperfection that makes everything worth it. You can fall straight on your ass when things seem impossible you’ll rise and show up. You’ll be there for her, your family… Yourself. I’m spinning the wheel of my future who am I going to be. Interview after interview in not seeing myself in the uniform. I decline over and over again.  It’s not for me and it’s not the type of person I am. I love looking in the eyes of people and distinguishing a real life situation. I’m stuck in quick sand and still only care about everyone but me. When’s it going to change and when am I going to fall into the place I feel I belong  

It seems hard really to be able to walk up to someone and just start a conversation especially these days. Recently for woman it seems morally fucked if you treat them like a princess. 40 years ago I guy like me could take a girl on a date and hold a door without her feeling like I’m gonna fuck her once and leave her for dead to say unjustly terrible things about her. Guys are pricks. Completely understand why so many woman are siding with the fairer sex. They’re beautiful in the most beautiful fucked up ways. They destroy eachother and are awful towards mankind but…. And yes there’s a but… They can be ravishing and superiorly incredible. Impossible to take my eyes off of. 

Young minded and mind racing. Knees quiver in scared and prolonged lies that keep over powering my being. Lies lies lies. Not only just lying to makes things easier for the people around me to understand why I do what I do. I’m jealous and insecure I wake heart wrenching wishing I was holding onto a warm body to make me feel a tad better. Once again drinking myself asleep. Agonizing to watch someone you once loved to tear their life apart in front of your very eyes. Accepting the faults of her poorly attempting to ruin a relation in my family. That’s where the games ended and I stopped giving a fuck how or what std’s she may contract on her harlet endevours.  Her life emotionally seems in such disrepair and I can and will not help.  First time in my life I can fluidly say that I could care less if her life goes in shambles. I don’t wish it upon her obviously, but I surely believe I’d have a smug look on my face if her menstral cycle got delayed for 9 months due to a one night pump.  As I look upon other woman I am humbled I love the fairer sex. A work of art really. So perfect that night you kiss her and you give her the satisfaction of commenting her until she blushes you kiss her again. You bed her and she’s incredible. But the morning after you remember your not as emotionally available as you were the night previous. Awful to toy with such a beautiful thing. A woman the work of art, the prize. Your a piece of shit. You have no intention on calling her back. Next time you see the magnificent creature that allowed you to enter her most vulnerable of areas you’ll be with another your luck and you’ll break yet another heart. Another road you didn’t turn and explore. But it’s your own fault really a fools errand to try and fix you. How can a woman love you when you don’t even love you. 

Close but so far 

Joyously looking at a beautiful woman across the bar giving her that look of forever as she runs away scared that I’d hurt her. I’m not surprised nor do I blame her. She’s a perfect 10 a model in my eyes and she couldn’t have a single perfect imperfection that made her any less of an amazing work of art. I walk away and glance at her one more time and she’s looking back…. All I could hope for and she’s looking back into my eyes as if I really meant something. Is not worth it I tell myself. It’s really not. I’m fired up and sweating. I think of how I treated a girl I looked at just the same and think about how much pain I’ve caused her. She’s incredible. Flawless just like every last woman that’s willing to give a guy a moment of their time just to listen to the bullshit story trying to get into her pants.  It’s a lie. It’s an utter lie that hurt, bleeds and doesn’t stop bleeding till that woman comes along and makes it all better. Your perfect. Your eyes make my lips eyes and face quiver in happiness.